The other day, I saw a meme that said “I wonder if today will be the day I tell someone to shut the f*** up out loud instead of just in my head.” I thought about it a bit- having grown up with really cool parents for my entire life, against whom I’ve never really felt the urge to rebel, the thought was interesting to me. What would it be like to just get up and do something I’m not supposed to do?
The last time I got in trouble, it was for something I didn’t do, but I cried anyway. That’s the kind of person I am. I cross the road at the traffic lights, and follow even the rules I do not like [although I’m pretty apt at finding creative ways to bend them]. The other day, though, my friend was chatting to me about a girl she did not like, and it turns out I did not like that girl either- I also knew a few things about her that I really, really wanted to share. A part of me, though, said that I shouldn’t. It would be gossiping, so I didn’t. Not surprisingly, it didn’t feel like a rush of fresh air or a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wondered what it would feel like to have told those secrets, and laughed at someone else’s expense.
Similarly, when I get angry, I do not shout. I have been taught to control myself against my best instincts. Those instincts, I’m reminded, are the ones that tell us to bite and scratch and claw and fight for “survival”- to backstab and play the game, the way “everyone else” does. [They’re both surrounded by air bunnies because I’m blindly stereotyping-this is just the way I see the world, I guess.] I find myself wondering, though, what it would feel like to just give in one day, though, and scream at someone at the top of my lungs.
I’d like to point out here that I’m not a quiet person, and I don’t really think I’ve lead a sheltered life. I just know that I’ve been given advice and told to learn from other people’s mistakes. Should I be making those mistakes myself, though, and learn from them, or would that be foolish? Surely “bad things” have been proven to not have the best consequences, yet I still feel like doing them. I’m sure we all do.
And that leads me to my question- does it feel good to be bad? Because sometimes it can feel bad to be good.
“I feel something so right doing the wrong thing.
I feel something so wrong, doing the right thing.”
One Republic, Counting Stars.