A few people have recently commented on my analytical mind. I do a thing a lot of the time where my mind will identify something as a problem, take it, and work it out [unfortunately, sometimes it does this with things that really aren’t problems, but oh well]. I can sit for hours on end, pondering how to fix something- once, I wrote sixteen pages over four hours just trying to figure out how to deal with something that might or might not happen. Planning and thinking makes me feel better so I don’t get shocked by anything, due to the fear that I won’t be able to deal with it. Therefore, everything in my world is gone over with a fine tooth comb.
While you may be able to tell how much I think about things just from reading my blog, I don’t understand why so many people accept this but don’t recognise how far it reaches. A comment I get too often that I’m smart, but Christianity makes no sense. It’s a crutch, it’s illogical, God can’t exist, and if he does, he’s not worth following. And they look at me, and believe that my entire life is a paradox, because I overthink where I’m going to stand, how I’ve phrased sentences, and if one eyeliner wing is bigger than the other, and yet am a Christian.
Well, friends, I am many things, but I try to avoid being a hypocrite.
Like everything in my life, I have gone over the religion and God I have chosen to follow with a fine tooth comb.
Christianity isn’t a crutch. I grew up with Christian parents, yes, and they had the amazing influence of teaching me about a God that loved me. But they never forced it upon me, and I have found God in so many other ways in my life. I know many people who grew up with Christian parents and rejected God, and many Christians who didn’t have God until much later in their life.
I knew from the beginning of life that life would continue to be hard, no matter if I had a God or not- indeed, it might be worse because I chose to follow Christ. I’ve been bullied, mocked, and unable to date certain people simply because I have the word Christian written across my forehead and embedded in my heart. I knew that was coming, and yet, even before I knew who Jesus was, that surely it must be worth following him. My parents are disabled, particularly my mother, and yet told me stories of hope from when I was a little girl. A strange story is that even before I became a Christian, the Gideons came to give Bibles to us at school. One girl looked at it and said “why would they give us this piece of shit?” and I began to cry. It was maths, I was at the front of the room, and I bawled in front of everyone. I didn’t know why it meant so much to me, as I didn’t even understand or think about God that often, and yet what she had said about this man, and his word, struck me. I knew there was going to be more of that, I knew life would still be tough, but examining the lives of those around me who had decided to follow Christ, I went over it and over it and decided to look into this God. Having been a Christian for six years now, and following in the footsteps of those who have been Christians for many more, I can honestly say, I have not found the lifestyle wanting.
Christianity is illogical [because] God can’t exist. This was a big step, and I had a listen to those for and against. I didn’t assume anything, because I never assume anything. I looked into people who had set out to write books against God and turned into Christians. I looked into the science behind a God of imaginative creation. I listened to all the arguments that my friends had to throw against him, and I realised that funnily enough, all of the answers for those were pre-downloaded into my brain. I could think of an argument for every bit of offence, and weirdly it made my faith that much stronger. I knew the Bible backwards- I was an annoying know-it-all kid, also spurred on by my need to know about things before I accept them- and it made sense to me. For those who read the Bible, I encourage you to look at it with an open heart and blank mind. Look at devotionals or talks by others who have analysed what it’s trying to say. There is so much meaning behind every word, it would take a lifetime to understand and know all of it, but I certainly tried and have continued to learn more from it about God. I continue to let myself be challenged by what it says, and that the world is just God’s work on show. Romans 1:8 “For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” God does exist. I have come out of every search, every trial, fully believing this. I have the rest of my life to continue to find that in all of its honesty, but Jesus said he is the truth. This is real. I have investigated, and this is what I have found, with one hundred percent certainty. God is real. As Sherlock Holmes often said, “when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
And finally that, even if God does exist, he shouldn’t be followed. Christianity is dedicating your entire life, all you are, to this God and the way of life he dictates. To assume that anyone would undertake that lightly is folly. I looked into what Jesus asked me to do- love my enemy? Forgive those who sin against me? Allow myself to be changed by him? This was going to be tough. I need to make it as explicit as possible that this wasn’t something that took a day to decide, or weeks. It has taken me years to accept everything, and will take me my entire life to become the person the Bible says I need to be. I continue to think about this, and to simply dismiss Christianity as something people do just because their parents did or because it seems cool is not discovering true Christianity. I took Studies of Religion so I could fully understand what other people do and who and how they worship. I will probably do a theology course. I go to church not because it’s expected but because I actually want to find out what the Bible is trying to say and why [I encourage the curious to do the same]. But the truth is that I looked over God and the Bible again and again, and unlike so many things in my life that have disappointed me and let me down- people are only human, after all- I have never found God wanting. I have never been disappointed by him, never been left alone, looking back at all the times I felt so lonely. This God sent his son to die for me. Jesus exists, there is proof. He was an amazing guy, many people would agree. He taught a lot of people a lot of things. But he didn’t come for that reason, but to die for me, and you. This is a God of love. And I have been over every book of the Bible, and looked at all the acts God has committed in the past. I watch the news, keep updated with the suffering going on around the world, and have experienced suffering myself. And yet, I have never found this God wanting, but only myself wanting this God. That’s why I follow this God. This God that created me, and loves me, and died for me. Because I have looked high and low, and near and far, and found God.
I have thought about this, a lot. I encourage people to do the same- there is no reason not to. God is big enough to handle our questions, and our anger, and our fear. He can do anything, and we can do all things through him. So ask, seek. All I can say is that although I think, analyse, criticise, I have never wanted more, but have been overwhelmed by the God of more than enough. I have been left not wanting, but with the realisation that I am wanted.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”