God’s Plan, My Plan

(This concept is also known as predestination, but that word is scary and has too many connotations, so I’m going to ask we start with a blank page.)

The last time I was in a relationship, I was old enough to be thinking about marriage and young enough to know it would never work. Despite this, I started planning. I downloaded Pinterest, and started collecting images; I brought him to meet my family and my grandma said she would donate a grand to our wedding, which may have been unnecessary pressure, but seemed exciting at the time.

When we broke up, I spent a long time angry at God that it hadn’t worked out the way I’d wanted. Call me naive, but don’t pretend you’ve never had a moment where you looked at what might have made you so happy but is no longer yours and were angry at God. If I worship a God who claims to be powerful over all and work things for my good, how can he not give me what I want? Ah, but the answer is in the question.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

I have a complicated relationship with predestination and God’s plan. I have prayed many times for the grace to say “your will, not mine be done” without a secret asterisk that says “as long as it doesn’t hurt.” What I have learned so far is that I do not know what Gods plan is, exactly, but he has been clear enough when I am not following it.

Let me explain.

We have the Bible as a starting point. It is always a good place to start. It tells us all about God and he tells us what he would like in many different ways. A clear example is the Bible says love everyone- Jesus says it, the Old Testament says it, the New Testament repeats it. So I need to shape my actions with love. It also says do not murder, so I shouldn’t make plans to do so. Of course in this section, I might give a quick shout out to visions, angels and hearing the voice of God. You may be skeptical of this, but ultimately, God can do what he likes, so I’ll leave that there.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Psalms 119:105

Then we have our conscience and mind to make decisions. When I do something that isn’t loving, like disrespecting my very awesome parents, I feel bad. This is because God says he will shape my heart, and the spirit lives within me, although non Christians are also aware of their consciences- we’ve just got a different motivation for listening to ours. I have free will to make decisions, like deciding to be a teacher, and that feels good because I’m doing what I’m good at, but that is not outside God’s plan. It might be as simple as the fact that God wants us to have fun as we do his will, and this feeling of contentment is a blessing. All this mish mash that makes me me works together to shape what I do as well.

The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way.

Psalm 37:23

But I have come to believe that when you are about to do something God didn’t plan, it won’t happen. To take a quick trip down a side alleyway, there is a difference between what God doesn’t want and what God didn’t plan. He doesn’t want sin- he doesn’t want me to hurt. But if he plans something, it will come to fruition, regardless of what I do or don’t do.

Take for instance, marrying that guy. I believe I follow a God who knows my heart and sympathises with my pain. He hurt as I hurt in the fall out of breaking up. But ultimately, he knew I would be stronger for it, and be more equipped to help others going through a break up. If he has a plan for me to be married, that couldn’t happen if I was still half happily dating. If he has a plan for me to be the most awesome and inspiring single woman in history, he’s well on his way to making sure that happens.

Another example is the death of Jesus- it wasn’t easy, it caused an inifinite amount of pain and it wasn’t in the plan of the executors to glorify God, and yet Gods plan was fulfilled in that Jesus could save the humans who were trying to kill him, and every other human who would ever be. Tim Keller once said “if we knew what God knows, we would ask for exactly what he gives.”

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are- but he did not sin.

Hebrews 4:15

I think ultimately, it’s a question of trusting God that he has you and will guide you. It’s an exercise in learning how to follow him better in every day life.

This is easy for those laughing at me and my stories of being single, but harder when I tell stories of my mum who has been disabled most of her life. She trusted God and his plan and ended up with a family, house and dog in Australia, but is still looking at a plan that includes decreasing mobility and struggles with repercussions of polio.My dad gave a sermon last year on Jesus’ response to demons, and how people still struggle with their own today, including himself- it was the biggest response I’ve seen from my church in a while, as people were touched by his candour and related to what he said. Neither of my parents asked for the struggles they have, but they have managed to use it for Gods glory. My Nan sent me an article about how my anxiety might be making me more sensitive to people’s feelings and actually make me a more helpful person- it’s not comfortable, but when I signed up to be a Christian, that wasn’t what was promised. Instead, I rejoice in being used to help people for Gods glory. It’s harder when you’re actually in the heartache, or depressed, or lonely, and your vision is clouded, but you can cling to the fact you worship a God you can trust, when the rest of the world is abandoned to just deal with their pain, or confused when their plans don’t work out and told it is meaningless.

For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10

Rest assured in that you can’t ruin a Gods plan and it’s a good one. This means that even when our plans fall through, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6



Sometimes my eyes leak,
And I’m not sure why.
It may be the tap mechanisms
Don’t turn enough to the right.

Sometimes I’ll be out walking,
When suddenly escapes a drop.
It will run down my face
And I’ll run for the mop.

Sometimes people notice,
And ask if I’m okay,
And I usually brush them off
And tell them the plumber is on the way.

Sometimes people don’t notice,
And although it sounds insane,
I really wish they would,
Even though I’d just tell them to go away.

Sometimes it’s worse than other times,
And even affects my sight.
Every good thing around me goes blurry
And I struggle to see the light.

Sometimes it’s really scary,
And I scramble for a quick fix,
Sometimes I hide away,
I’ve learned a couple of tricks,

Over my time,
With leaky eyes.

But you know, sometimes after showers
Shines a ray of sun.
When I can’t see, or hear,
To my rescue plumbers come.

I’ll feel a fluffy head bump my hand,
Or find a shoulder to place my head,
The tears will stop falling
If I can just get out of bed.

Sometimes I can’t breathe
At the sheer weight of heartbreak
But, never fear,
The plumber is on his way.

If I’m not too embarrassed to open the door,
And show him my leaky eyes.

This poem is dedicated to anyone who feels this way as well, whether it’s because of a reason [like losing twenty bucks on your way to the newsagent to buy blu-tack they didn’t even have, in your pyjamas] or not because of a reason [to be honest, it probably wasn’t all down to the twenty bucks, but I’m seeing someone about that. Perhaps you should too.]

Of course, if you don’t feel like this, thank you for taking the time to read my garbage poetry all the same.

What I Learned From Reading The Entire Bible

I was challenged to read the entire Bible last year. It sort of got away from me, and I was disappointed at the end of the year that I hadn’t managed to keep my mind focused enough. However, this year from the first Monday to today [because I’ll be busy tomorrow and I didn’t want to stuff up] I kept to my plan, I caught up when I fell behind and I finished reading the entire Bible.

Now, keep in mind that while I looked up commentaries and asked wise people when I didn’t understand things as well as regularly watched “The Bible Project” videos on YouTube [highly recommend] I don’t claim to know it all or have had any grand revelations. However, I have come away with a thing or two.

I went to Hillsong for a long time. If you have never heard of them, I think the safest thing to say is they love love. They preach it every week, and I basked in it for so long, safely shying away from an image of a God who would judge and wreak havoc on humanity from time to time. However, fear is often based in a misunderstanding and so, when confronted by atheists and Christians and Muslims and everything in between about the very clear passages about it, I didn’t know what to say. And, if you know anything about me, I hate not knowing what to say.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect loves drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18

Now I go to an Anglican Church. Last year I did a gap year with a bunch of Anglicans. And call it close to culture shock to hear as much as I did about repentance, and supplication and fearing the Lord my God. We literally just sit in silence sometimes and say sorry. When I was younger, I used to roll my eyes and look at my watch. I think also this anger- this arrogance- was part of not seeing the full picture.

“You have spoken arrogantly against me,” says the Lord.

“Yet you ask, ‘What have we said against you?’

“You have said, ‘It is futile to serve God. What do we gain by carrying out his requirements and going about like mourners before the LORD Almighty? But now we call the arrogant blessed. Certainly evildoers prosper, and even when they put God to the test, they get away with it.” -Malachi 2:17

Perhaps the best comparison is hanging out with your parents. You think you know them really well, but as you sit and actually listen, they tell you crazy stories about themselves [my dad once got on a bus to Perth to meet a pen pal who wasn’t at home in the end], and they give you advice you tend to ignore until it’s too late and you’re heartbroken, and they say things you really weren’t expecting and maybe if they didn’t know you as well as they did it would be offensive [oftentimes, it still stings and you need to stomp off and think about it for a bit].

“My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgement and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” Proverbs 3:21-24

Hanging out with the Bible was not easy. It really does say crazy things sometimes. And there are all these sentences you’ve heard a thousand times but never seen what came before or afterwards. There are so many things people use out of context! What really hit me in the guts were the stories and proverbs I’ve heard a billion times and never really thought about before.

It won’t be much of a surprise to some people, but I realised to how much of an extent Jesus was a great guy. You have this huge build up of the Old Testament towards this king, this prophet and preacher and shepherd and stronghold, and salvation and conquerer and then you get hit with this man who gravitates towards the sick, outcasts and kids. I can almost feel the overwhelming anticlimax, especially as you get to know the Israelites and all they’ve gone through to get to this man. We all knew he’d have to be born as a baby, but it just does something to you as you travel these wonders and songs about an amazing God, who again and again refuses to be contained, and then submits himself to that as a part of a master plan which ends in death at the hands of those he created. Thank God it concludes not with death but with triumph [literally].


“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature [or, in the form of] God,

did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

He humbled himself

Buy becoming obedient to death-

Even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:6-8

You need the Old Testament to bring colour to the rest of the story, add depth and dimensions and bring out aspects you couldn’t even see before, whereas for so long I was afraid of it.

Ultimately I think my perspective of God became a lot clearer. I have been warned to steer clear of trying to fit him into my little human box, but I can see this clear pattern that pastors with degrees and wisdom have been trying to drill into my brain since I accepted Christ.

He just wants people to love him, and he loves them.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

All of the rest of the stuff fits so clearly into that. Inextricably comes how we behave towards others.

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:11-12

The consequences of rebellion are often highlighted by non-Christians; the fire and brimstone, etc. But it is just so significantly highlighted that every time there is punishment there were so many signs and warnings to turn back to God. The laws are so the people can love God and eachother properly, which is again demonstrated in the Old Testament where God says to the religious people he despises their religious festivals because their hearts are in the wrong place [Amos 5:21]. Jesus goes on to call them whitewashed tombs, who are so right on the outside but so dead on the inside [Matthew 23:27].

It was sometimes really difficult to look past what was happening to and with God’s people and the people around them, but this message of hope, this call to love and God’s offer of blessing was always open. It was there from the very first book, where he called them to be rulers in his image, and they screwed up [Genesis 2-3]. Then he blesses and makes covenants and keeps doing this until the very last book [Revelation 1:6]. It is moments like that when I realised my view was all too small.

In conclusion, I think you should read the Bible whoever you are. We love claiming we know what it’s all about- it’s a common problem in these “Christian” countries, surrounded by religions that claim they have taken bits of the same book. I’d warn you against making a cake from a recipe you thought you knew or with just a few ingredients you chose. If you want to disagree with it, read it cover to cover. If you claim to agree with it, read it cover to cover.

“So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” 2 Thessalonians 3:15-16

Be fairly warned though, it might take you a year.


It’s been about three days since I got back from a Christian training camp in Canberra, and I haven’t written about it. Partially I think that lies in not knowing what to say, despite the usual burning desire to get something reflective out of it. Partially it might be in being afraid to say it. To acknowledge that it wasn’t what I wanted and I don’t really know why.

To be honest, this all really starts from when I was asked whether I wanted to go and I said no. By some cosmic joke, someone paid for me to go anyway.

And because I just can’t- make of that what you may- I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm I wanted, or the right response when people asked me how I was feeling. So much of life involves putting on a mask, it would seem, of being happy and perky because it’s expected- my work with kids, making friends at uni and trying to be grateful for an opportunity to go and learn and be stretched in God’s work. I just couldn’t be happy. That, ironically, makes me sad.

On one hand, I want the people around me to know that when I smile it was because I am genuinely happy and when I laugh it is because I am genuinely moved to- I want to be as raw, and as real with the people around me as possible. On the other hand, I felt ungrateful to the person who paid my way, and grumpy to the people around me and trapped in my own emotions like a tiny ant in a thick spider web.

I have wondered since then whether it was because I was uncomfortable. I was worried about all of the people and what it would be like trying to make friends with everyone I met. The people driving me, the strangers in my tent- on one hand, I knew things probably wouldn’t go wrong if I put in enough effort. On the other hand, I was terrified of the amount of energy it would take to get where I wanted to be. It was overwhelming to get to a conference of 1,800 people, and tiring to put up a tent in the rain and I honestly just wanted to go home because I was so far out of my comfort zone that I couldn’t even see it.

But the thought has occurred to me that, like a pot plant, growth doesn’t happen once you’ve reached the limits of your comfort zone. If God’s intention was to grow me, I’d have done a lot less of it at home.

Apart from all of the new people and new experiences, something that hit me hard was seeing the people I already knew. A couple of Christians at the event but also catching up with a few who lived in Canberra.

For some reason, I just thought at the end of last year, when we were all so happy, that we would all stay happy. And when I saw my old friends, and all the different ways in which their hearts had broken, and all of the different ways they had grown, whether apart from each other, apart from God or apart from their plans, I felt such sorrow for the people I love. On one hand, it reminded me that not only my year hasn’t gone the way I thought it would- at one point, we were all going to grow up and get married and live happily ever after, and I was so torn apart when that didn’t happen for me. Once again, you can’t only trust God’s plan when it follows yours. On the other hand, I felt slightly powerless- only there for a couple of days to listen and leave, not sure when I’d be there again. That’s not within my hands, I know. However, I must admit, it was a bit of a shock to be reminded of. I know enough of them to know they’ll probably be okay but, more to the point, I know enough of God to know he’ll take care of them whether I’m around or not. [And if they quit smoking. Seriously. Stop.]

Anyway, there were positives. The likes of many, I’m sure I won’t see the results of for many years to come. However, I did learn a lot. I learned about prayer [coincidentally, one of the greatest things I learned is that when God promises to work all things for the good of those who love him – Romans 8:28 – that isn’t his promise to change our circumstances, but rather to change the people who love and trust him to be more like Christ, which is ultimately the best we can ask for. That mentality really came in handy], and I learned how to seriously pick apart a bible verse.

In the end, I did make friends, especially with those former strangers in the tent. It’s good to have a few more familiar faces to look forward to around campus. I was reminded of the benefits of pushing through feelings- one of the sermons actually said outright that our feelings are unreliable, particularly when faced with fact; I’m glad I didn’t leave. I met up with some old friends who are still as awesome as they were when I left them and it was sad to say goodbye again, sometimes only after a brief chat at McDonalds.

I still have a while to go before I feel as zen on the inside as I try to look on the outside, but I’ve been encouraged that if I’m starting to pick up on my own habits and ideas, the next step can be to change them. It would probably be worse if I were completely oblivious to them- like a parent with a brat, it’s better I know rather than don’t.

At the end of the day, with all the concern from people who care about me, and the fears pulsing through my brain, and the really, really good reasons [like pouring rain and a cold] I don’t want to say it was hard, so I gave up. I want to say it was hard but I did it any way.

And that wouldn’t even be true, because it was hard, and I wanted to give up but God did it through me anyway, and all I can do is pray I’m a little more like Christ.

My joy in sorrow’s tears,

My strength to cast out fears,

No other name but Jesus, Jesus.

My hope in darkest night,

My broken soul’s delight,

No other name by Jesus, Jesus.

-No Other Name [Emu Music]

What if?

I feel like the world is trying to live in a paradox.

One where everybody wants to be loved for who they are, but only love certain parts of themselves. One where people are hurt when they are not accepted, but do not accept others. One where we are all striving for something- we may not be sure what it is, but we’ll know when we get there.

There seems to be a lack of satisfaction within my generation. On social media, we make fun of ourselves for how self deprecating we are, posting about our insatiable desire for validation in an attempt to gain some “likes”. The irony of it is not lost on me. Perhaps this resounds throughout history, but the sound of it is just getting louder.

That we would present ourselves to society and expect everyone to accept us does not seem possible. Surely, in a world full of unique individuals, it would stand to reason that you cannot expect 100% of the population to agree on anything, including [but by no means limited to] your fashion statement, sexuality or religious beliefs. Furthermore, this seems like such an impossibility to me because we are bound by a tendency to not even completely accept ourselves. Take, for instance, in dating. One partner would have it that they are loved completely and wholly, mistakes and quirks included. That when they are irritated, it is for a reason and that is understood and absorbed by their significant other. When they indulge in bad habits, it is taken with a pinch of salt as it’s just “who they are”. And yet, there are things about us that, no matter how much we try, we cannot love. Memories that lurk, regrets woven into our personality, a temptation to be what we are tired of fighting. And yet, when we are rejected, even be it by one person in a sea of admirers, we take it to heart, and moan that no one truly understands.

And what about tolerance?

That what I say is the truth and what you have to say is a combination of your upbringing, background and probably some misunderstanding. Deep down, it makes me feel better to think you’re a little bit foolish for thinking in such a way. And of course we can’t discuss or explore our differences on the off chance someone will say something even remotely challenging, because that wouldn’t be… tolerating me. That might hurt. That might take some time and energy to understand. And I would rather not, thank you.

What about this sense that the world is not right? That we may never be able to make it right, what with all the violence and pain and hungry and global warming, for heaven’s sake, on top of all that. And we just don’t know how to fix it, but we know we have to so we’d better buy recycled toilet paper and give a dollar to the Salvo’s man.

I will here suggest something that will seem impossible.

Just as impossible as being accepted.

Just as impossible as everyone being tolerating.

Just as impossible as saving the world.

That there has been an answer all along.

What if there was someone who knew all of your flaws before you’d even really met them, and loved you completely? Loved you enough that, despite knowing everything you are ashamed of and afraid of, they died for you? Someone to fulfil your greatest desire of knowing that all the pieces of you weren’t to be displayed or hidden, but were puzzle pieces that form a beautiful picture.

What if there was an ultimate truth? Some people fight over what it may be, some people argue it doesn’t exist. But what if it did? And it was all mapped out, by someone who knew what they were doing? And it sort of just… felt right? A list of directions, so to speak, that you’d always been trying to follow, to a point, all laid out for you. A list of directions you could point others to. You always knew eggs, sugar and milk went together but now you’ve found a precise recipe.

And, what if there was a point?. A way to fix everything? And someone who was willing to do it, save the world? To make things right and beautiful again?

Maybe there is.

I believe there is.

I believe it’s Christ who loves you, Christianity which directs you, and God who is going to save the world.

And if you disagree with me, that’s fine. Just tolerate my opinions.

The Necklace



When I was in year 9, I held a birthday party where I asked everyone to give a gift to charity instead of giving me a gift. An avid gift giver myself, people never really seem to know what to get me, so I figured I’d make an easy way out. But, as we sat down to pizza, one girl gave me a gift anyway. A dainty bronze coloured chain held a green coloured stone. And it was one of the most beautiful things I owned. It was certainly, up to that date, the best gift I’d ever been given. 

I wore it constantly- it went with everything from my school uniform to smart casual get ups. It made me feel confident, it was beautiful and I felt like I looked sophisticated just for wearing it. I felt it had been given to me by someone who truly knew me and cared about me- it was a gift in the truest sense, unasked for and truly treasured. 

And then, two years later, our friendship ended in flame and ashes. It was fury like I had never expected and pain I hadn’t seen coming. Notebooks were filled with pages of rage [that is not an exaggeration], and I spent many night curled up on the couch, crying on my mum’s shoulder. There is no point in explaining the details- the point is, a person I had thought cared turned out not to. Photos were deleted, and one still lives in my cupboard because I can’t bring myself to look at it or throw it away. Letters were thrown away and I had to slowly figure out how to live life differently. I lost many few friends in that time, in the fall out. 

But that necklace sat in my trinket dish, and it wasn’t long before I wore something I wanted to complement with it. I decided to, and tried to look at the necklace as just a thing. To remember the pizza and party- the characters who could still play the joyful memories again and again in my head. 

I did that up until two weeks ago, when I lost the necklace. 

As I rummaged through every bag and coat pocket, waited in agony for the current load of washing to be done so I could dig through the clothes I’d recently worn, and even began to dream about where it was [that is also not an exaggeration], I had to ponder why I was so caught up about it. It wasn’t as if I’d lost just some piece of jewellery – indeed, I have to admit, sometimes when cleaning up I find something I hadn’t realised I’d lost. No, this was combing the house as if I’d lost an engagement ring or some medication I needed to take daily. This was trying to describe jewellery to my DAD as he were a sketch artist trying to understand the face of someone who had attacked me in an alleyway. This was heart racing, this was important enough that I am writing about it now, when I lost it maybe three weeks ago. And, being me, I had to ask why.

Initially, I tried convincing myself it’s because it was pretty. To be fair, I have lost something that was once a staple to my style. My hand goes to my throat when I’m distracted, and doesn’t find anything. My work outfits look significantly more boring. And something I considered truly beautiful isn’t within my reach anymore. But, I have a few pretty things now. I could wear another necklace. I’ll probably end up buying another one soon enough. 

However, eventually I came to think about the memories that were attached to it. The person who gave it to me. That birthday party, surrounded by those girls who I don’t talk to anymore. Those girls who turned their backs on me. A group of people who might never have seen me or known me the way I wanted. A girl who, years later, would sear me with words in the middle of the quad at school. The memories that were attached to that necklace were sweet and pure, because I’d never allowed myself to attach the bad ones to it. It was a reminder of a time when things were good and happy, and without it, I live in the aftermath of what happened. For some reason everything else about the time is slightly bitter and I still get a weight at the base of my sternum when Facebook suggests them as a friend, or I find a note from long ago. But that necklace was from a time when a good friend gave me something I treasured. 

What insanity is human reason that a mere string of metal and rock should make one weep?

So what do I do now? Do I just forget about it? I jumped out of bed this morning to check a pocket it had been in during my dreams last night- the realisation it was so significant is what caused me to write this post. I rarely write about simply my “life”, but this I wanted to get out in some musing way that could perhaps provoke thought in another. I have to admit, I searched online for a similar one. I still get jittery when I remember another place it might be- I cleaned our drain looking for it [I might have pushed it down rather than up, a thought which still scares me]. How can I let it go? Why shouldn’t I, says the cynic in me- after everything, all I’ve managed to let go, perhaps it’s symbolic. And yet, I still instinctively search that trinket dish when I’m in a rush of a morning, ready to pick it up and put it on. 


By Danielle Bennett

April ran me down,
left me looking at the backside of a pig herd.

At the end of the month, mud thick as thighs
was smeared across my eyelids and lip corners,
and all over my spirit.

So tired, this voice I am losing is both a red and white flag
that tells a more honest story than my mouth does.

I’m tired of the discipline it takes to say no.
Of the daily quits and the daily asks.
Each message a jagged skip and whatever groove I had finally slid into.

Tired of being a thread always pulling through.
Of showing up to a keyboard, unimpressed by anything I have to offer.
I, too, am unimpressed by my own biography.

Tired of wanting to claw my way through skin until I am an indistinct skeleton,
slinking out unnoticed.

Perhaps then I wouldn’t be held by the fire of my own splintered dreamboards.

Shrink me tiny enough to escape failure by any on of my hundred definitions.
Help me believe that this art was only ever an experiment

I’m tired of doing my best.
Of telling the sugar to let me go.
Of being looked at like the next shiny trophy.
A feeling like a ladder rung, like an empty promised land.

I’m tired of what it takes to get clear,
of how heavy the fighting heart weighs in.
Of the “not quite, almost, just wait here”.
Of the questioning of my own aloneness, of my own enoughness, of my own too-muchness.
April reminds me that I am a six-figure grave and whoever taught me what that would mean.

Where is the triangle of blame that promise me relief one day?

Where is the relief in any of this one day?


The truth is, I am only bothered when I think or I know I have completely lost control.

My reputation, the feels, the knowing.
I have chased and begged them home, but I never learned to lasso.
So I’m doing my best for the thousandth time to actually let it go.

And everyone who’s actually nailed crow pose or hit five miles
know that repetition expecting a different result isn’t always insanity.
Sometimes it’s just a way of growth.

I am flaking mud.
Really I am left in no one’s dust.
I am miles behind and I am still winning.
I will never forget my own name.

I am letting us all off my hooks.
I am showing up, even when other people don’t.

I am not forcing resolve,
because I’m not sure that’s the way life folds.

But I’m reconciling versions of myself,
because I want them to meet one day and laugh at how right we swore we were.

I am not made of formulas, so I can no longer respond on your cue.
I’m gonna start asking questions that may make me seem slow,
but I am labeling that a good four letter word

And I figured out that two pieces of dark chocolate a day are not adding more inches to my waist,
than nearly three decades of stress I asked this body to stomach.

The manna has come enough to know that I will not be buried alive.
And I’ve never watched, but I can tell I am beautiful when I’m writing
and I know there is a humble man saving the rest of his fourth of July’s for my firework giddy applause.
And I don’t know where he is, but I know he doesn’t play hide-and-seek.
And I know I want to tell him that I haven’t been waiting.
I’ve been creating a hotel of stories he can thank for the shameless, crooked smile I’ve become.

I am flaking mud.
I am waking up.

April is gone and I think May was a new sun and I’ve never loved the sound of crumble as I do now.
Under all that earth, I got soft, somehow.

I got a second draft biography.
It says: I’m not much of a sailor but I’ve built some sort of boat.
If you judge me by my crew, I am thoroughly good.
If you judge me by results, I am a two-time world champion of facing what I feared the most.

I have been published by several renowned atlases, for my work repairing lighthouses using only sound.
You’ll know they’re mine when you see them.
How the lights loop haphazardly like they’re completely out of control.


“My Guiding Light”; by Caitlin Robinson


Part 5

So, to conclude, how have I changed?

The strangest thing is, in many ways I don’t know. I feel like there should be a list of great revelations, and deep soul searching, but I figure that as time goes on, I’ll notice things that weren’t there before, like walking into my room and seeing Dad had “cleaned it” [he literally took everything on the floor and put it in two large black garbage bags in the middle of the room].

Wearing a traditional sulu and petting a cat named Pineapples

I know my relationships have changed because I’ve seen those changes in the past couple of days. I wanted to write these posts before my mind subconsciously reverts back to what is expected. However, while I’m living in this bubble of wanting to talk to every sales person and getting surprised at the range in Coles, I figured I’d get the most out of it. I’ll be affronted by kisses on the street and the seemingly trivial problems everyone seems to have. Maybe after a while those things won’t seem as big any more- however, perhaps they will.

I thought I’d be more surprised by the difference in wealth, but walking into my local Westfields today was pretty normal. I guess it was because I remembered it. A discussion in the group was us having wealth. If poverty exists with wealth, does that mean everyone should be poor or everyone should be wealthy? I posed this question to my dad today, and he clarified what I’d been trying to verbalise. That those who God blesses should give to those who don’t have the same blessing and be the blessing. My friend left his guitar with our village, and another friend lugged around a few kilos to do one day of craft at kids club- in Australia, that could be giving a spare sleeping bag to a homeless person or old clothes to Vinnie’s instead of chucking them out. Thankfully I’ve had an upbringing where to do such a thing would be insane. Unfortunately I’ve grown up in a society where it isn’t. So no, I wasn’t surprised by the amount of food in my pantry, but I wasn’t upset when Mum gave half of tonight’s spinach pie to our elderly neighbour [if you’ve ever tasted it, you’d understand why someone would be upset].

I know I’ve left Fiji with some new lifelong friends. There is a small group of people in this world right now who know exactly what I’ve been through. There are new friends in another country who would happily open their houses up to me again. That’s such a strange feeling. I have shared tears, laughter and love with people I didn’t know six months ago. I trust these guys, and don’t know their middle names. There’s a different perspective of what is important to me, and I realise God has used that to His glory. Because our relationships aren’t based on common interests, or what we’ve seen on television, or who is the prettiest but rather the fact that we love God. He is the common thread, weaving together a tapestry of willing people.


I can honestly testify to how God can use a person if they are willing, because I was and I have just had one of the best, most life altering experiences of my life. I don’t know how I’m going to live it out, but I’ve got a newly refined character and heart which have been through the trials and survived them. Although it wasn’t always good, it was amazing at times, and all of that has been carefully planned by a God who loves me and knows what he’s doing. All of this is completely insane.


To those wondering what to do with your lives after high school, or even right now, I’d say take some time out for God. Your five minutes a day may accidentally be turning to three, you may have skipped a few church services, but if God is as significant as you say he is- as you feel he is- then give him your time and He’ll do the rest.

As for mission, I dunno. Maybe. Not a solid no, as a lot of people walked away saying. But perhaps I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing and let God lead me where he thinks I should go. But I know I can survive time away from what I know, and be used. And I know I’ll have these memories for a long time to come.

Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:3-5

Last morning in Fiji, 5:00 AM


Part 4

The coolest thing about my time in Fiji was seeing how God works.

Every day we were off doing something. We began at an orphanage called Loloma [Love] House, playing with the kids and a lady began to cry because she couldn’t speak English with us. Straight off the bat, I knew we were doing something special. We visited church services and ran kids groups and some of my mates gave sermons. Especially every time we sang together, I could feel the room vibrate with a multitude of voices praising God. Wow, the Fijians have a talent for singing- harmonies that are just known and hymns that look simple but sound how I figure music will sound in heaven. The sense that God smiled every time we joined in on a hymn.


A bit of a side note is my pastor pointing out that singing and liturgy is actually rather important because sometimes the message of the sermon gets a little lost [sometimes pastors aren’t actually theologically trained]. Originating in Britain, the translated books found in Methodist churches at least are the true and clear message of the gospel, and our lives as Christians. A regular reminder outlined in the words of timeless hymns and bluntly stated in what sometimes seem like stodgy creeds and prayers read every week.

I saw the way God works across the world. While the differences were striking, it occurred to me that we were all worshipping the same God, and all He requires is for you to profess with your mouth and believe in your heart that he is Lord and raised Christ from the dead to be saved [Romans 10:9]. Once that was straight in my head, I could enjoy the wild singing along with the solemn hymns, the yelling and the times of silent reflection, dancing with the kids and shaking hands with the adults. In all of these situations, God was working. As important as denomination is in the West, going to Fiji I learned to appreciate a living faith in the Seventh Day Adventists along with the Methodists simply due to the fact a clearly living faith meant they were going to heaven and not everyone who professed to be a Christian would. Seventh Day Adventists told me how they had been addicted to grog [kava] and alcohol but God had turned their lives around. Methodists told me they had been Seventh Day Adventists and found God in their current church. And I got a clear feeling that all God wanted was their love and acceptance and he loved them regardless of everything else. Year 13 itself is technically run by the Anglican church, but I go as a regular attendee of Hillsong, and mix with a melting pot of people simply in love with God.


I saw the way God worked through every situation. While we can either see our wealth as a reason to rejoice in God or become numb to His blessing, I was struck by how Fijians can rejoice despite their poverty. I met so many people who seemed to have nothing but instead recognised what they did have as provision from God. My homestay family had a tin shed with no furniture but a few cupboards and a fuzzy television, yet the mother shared with us how her and her husband had begun with nothing and were so incredibly blessed to have a house now, and enough food for them and their son. She gushed about how even his talent in playing soccer was a gift from God because it meant he might one day have a career as a professional sportsman [a dream for a lot of Fijians] and neither her or her husband had given him that talent. Moments like that, of utter vulnerability when it came to discussing the Lord, became remarkably precious to me.

My homestay family.

I noticed the work of God not only in the Fijians, but in the people around me. From the first day, everyone was on their guard to be as loving as possible to one another. When we were tried and felt like snapping at someone who had done something stupid, we remembered they were just as tired. When someone cried, they immediately had a dozen shoulders to lean on, but no pressure to. God worked through everyone to both show his love and remind us he was still there. One night that really just exemplifies what I’m trying to say is the night I had a panic attack. I haven’t had one in so long that, when I began to cry in front of my friends and the concerned faces began to close in until I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t remember what to do. I ran away, down into a garden, and expected to either be ignored or for a bunch of well-meaning people to follow me, but just one did- my mentor Kiara, who sat with me and helped me to breathe as I tried to understand what had happened through shuddered sobs. The next few hours blew my mind. Kiara held my hand and didn’t push me, and when she left, a friend silently joined me and told me stories until I could focus on his breathing instead of my own. When I tried to ask a question about a story and my voice cracked, he didn’t comment, just simply drew me close and answered calmly before continuing his story. And, when I emerged from the depths, notes were waiting from my friends so I could feel the support while no one was watching.
I was overwhelmed by love. By support from a team who encouraged me, held my hand and built me up when I couldn’t stand up by myself. A group that had somehow managed to solve something without calling it a problem. Friends I could count on. And the most astounding thing was that they didn’t do that in their own strength. And how do I know? Because I’ve had panic attacks before. Told to be quiet, that I was making a scene and treated like a leper. To show astounding love is only possible when moved, I’ve discovered, by the One who is love [1 John 4:8]. And so, God moved the people around me, and reminded me that he was always there for me too. And the next time I felt like snapping at one of them, I tried to love them not as they had loved me, but as God had loved me.


“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. The one who fears has not been perfected in love. 19We love because He first loved us.”

1 John 4:18-19.



Part 3

I wanted to write this blog post because, despite the fear that many people may skip it, or that it may hurt to write, I know it’s important.


I was most confronted by the things I didn’t see coming.

Growing up with an Indonesian mother, I’ve been to her hometown and the capital, Jakarta, a few times. I’m unfortunately not a stranger to poverty, so going to people’s houses in slums was frustrating, not confronting. No, the problem was in the problem- I was struck by how little I felt I could do about the problems I was facing. Kids getting sick by perfectly preventable and curable things like leaving sores on their legs uncovered and a lack of education about nutrition leading to people buying food that is cheap rather than useful. I was angry that I felt helpless.
During debrief one night, we were asked by what had confronted us and what we could do about it. My answer was that, even if I dedicated my life to medicine and tried to heal as many people as I could, I wouldn’t get to all of them. I wouldn’t get to enough. When I talked to people, whether for hours or minutes, I was aware that I could be speaking to a hard heart, with words going in one ear and out the other. When I slaved for hours in the sun painting what was to be a food hall for a women’s refuge, a voice in my head asked if anyone would even notice- we were mocked by the builders straight away for being women when they wanted us to move the building garbage outside first. I looked into the eyes of a little girl on the bus with a scab covering half of her face and I wondered how she would get it and how long it would last, my little first aid kit pointless. I was confronted by my own weakness, a drop in the ocean.


Then there was the reaction of the people around me.
I was scared I would judge the Fijians, and I found myself instead judging my own friends. There’s this part in “Tomorrow When The War Began”, a great series of novels by John Marsden, where the main character, Ellie, thinks about an ice block she threw away. She describes how it’s burning hot and all she can think about is this ice block she threw away before leaving home because it had too many little icicles on it and what she would do to have it back. However, she reflects, given enough time back at home, she would probably throw it away again. We had just emerged from the slums and all around me was chatter about how the cordial was probably diseased and complaints that we had tuna curry for lunch. Some people outright threw it away. That was scary, the feeling of anger bubbling up inside of me and trying to hold my tongue in case something regrettable was said. I was rapidly remembering every time I hadn’t finished a meal, hadn’t put in offering at church, had gotten distracted during a video or presentation by missionaries trying to help these people because now I was one. I was feeling these emotions, raw and hard, and the scary thing is, the people around me were probably so frustrating because they were reflecting who I had been.

I’m not sure if confronted is the right word, but I was surprised by the easy attitude. Three quick examples are religion, time and use of things.
In Australia, it is perfectly okay to be an atheist. However, if you were to be some religion or of no religion, you are usually ready to defend your beliefs because into any conversation could slip a dangerous “why?” The amount of times people have questioned my religious beliefs at home, not out of curiosity but so they could tell me I’m wrong, means I’ve developed a nice little speech to use as a shield. In Fiji, there is no such thing. While it was easy to ask people what religion they were [pretty much the only answers being Christian or Hindu], and to enter into light-hearted conversations about God, there was no sense of having to be wary. It was hard to actually challenge people on their beliefs because I didn’t want to break this sense of assumed okayness- when people gave theologically wrong sermons, when Hindus told me Jesus was “one of their gods” and when people listened to my beliefs, it was all done with a smile and a nod. Almost bred to be trying to prove myself right, I found it both relaxing and frustrating to talk to people who were just happy to accept anything. I think this is a reason behind a lot of “nominalism” or being whatever religion because your parents were- it’s just easy. Cool beans, sure I’m a Christian.
Time! FIJI TIME!!! I love organising, plans, and being on time. But, when we woke up at five a.m. on our first Sunday in Naimalavau to be ready for a church service and there were only people from Year 13 there for the first 45 minutes, it was clear planning wasn’t going to be a priority for us. It was frustrating when people were late or just didn’t show up. On one hand, it’s a privilege and a great opportunity to be asked to put together a youth service with five minutes notice because there just happen to be a bunch of teens in the community hall. On the other hand, it’s remarkably stressful. However, I was truly challenged by this ease of attitude around time when one day, a rugby match which we had been excited for all week and prepared signs for with the kids was cancelled. We were literally walking to it, when Ma [homestay mum] noticed some people walking back and, in a casual tone, asked “is it on?”
“No,” they replied.
“Okay,” she said.
And we turned around and went home. She didn’t shrug, she didn’t appear mad or disappointed and I realised just how much it is a part of Australian culture to get righteously angry over things. If a rugby match was cancelled like that in Sydney [because some kids were playing cricket on the field and the school had forgotten the match was on], there would be a riot, letters written, angry rants on Facebook. But the Fijians were perfectly fine with it. After all, what could they do? It would probably be rescheduled and they’d post photos on Facebook of the kids with our signs. Then we decided to go to town to get the ingredients for Ma to teach us to make roti. Okie doke. Why spend the energy?
The use of things, though, and the ease of those attitudes stung. In Australia we are constantly being bombarded through advertising on television, bill boards and packaging to change. This is bad for the environment, they’ll be bad leaders of the country, your dog food isn’t good enough. And we’re taught to think critically and we’re convinced by reasoning. In Fiji, you just do things the way you do them. On one level this looks like burning your rubbish in a fire [including plastic], and using a machete to cut the grass. You have a problem, and a solution. On the other hand, this looks like feeding the chickens because you’re going to eat them and their eggs but neglecting the dogs because they don’t need to be fat to protect the house. We were followed around by a young dog we affectionately named Alfred, who enjoyed our company because we did the odd thing of patting him. However, one day he followed us to the house in which we had our meetings and a lady walked out with a wooden plank and beat him as a group of teenagers listened horrified. Things are used for what they are needed for. Dogs protect the house. Fire destroys the rubbish. Machetes cut things. And I know I’m not completely off in my understanding of this mentality due to the advertising in Fiji. Apart from the fact that there’s barely any, the government is clearly trying hard to change things because there is no polite reasoning- it’s blunt.

Seatbelts: “the belt your child actually needs.”
Speeding: “breadwinner dead to speeding.”
Pepsi: “Stop staring, start drinking.”
McDonalds: “Big Night? Big Mac.”

Australians, I feel, would be positively offended at being communicated to like that.



So, there were a lot of things that confronted me in Fiji. A lot of things I wanted to hide from, or attack or at least feel like I was making a dent on. However, when I wanted to shut off I realised that it would be cutting off a lot of change- I was here for a purpose, and that was to be used by God. I had no idea what to do in a lot of those situations, but I did realise I could do something in some situation. One story emerged of a woman who was heavily pregnant- it cost $20 Fijian to give birth in a hospital and we spent that on an average Macca’s run. When some people from Year 13 gave her that money, she broke down. I’ve been challenged by how I spend my money and time, and I am set on changing and challenging those around me.  I reckon, in a way, I caught a glimpse of what God feels every day- an overwhelming compassion to love and fix. While he has the power to do what he wants, our pastor Luther who gave a lot of talks on mission while we were over there, reminded us he is always with us and giving us that power as well. As helpless as we feel the reality is that we can and have the heart to fix things. In Fiji, it was generously giving and accepting the white teenagers. In Australia, it might be putting in more effort at Sunday School, upping my offering, supporting more organisations with my money or even one day dedicating my life to mission now that I’ve seen what it does and how it feels. No, things won’t be perfect until heaven and we live in a broken world. However, until then, I can only do what I can do, and, with His help, trust that it’s enough.

“18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Matthew 28:18-20